The Key Signs That Indicate Real and Lasting Change in Your Relationship

Knowing when to hold on to or give up hope is one of the hardest and most confusing parts of being in or leaving an abusive relationship. And when you want things to get better, it’s very easy to hold onto small signs of improvement and hope they mean something bigger.

But real change looks and feels very different from temporary improvement. To better understand what meaningful change actually involves and how likely it is, I recommend starting with my article Is an Abusive Partner Able to Change.

The 3 Questions You Need to Consider

A helpful way to think about your partner’s change is through three simple but powerful questions.

1. Has he actually admitted to what he has done? Not vaguely or partially, nor in a way that shifts blame onto you or circumstances. Real change starts with clearly naming the behaviours and owning them without excuses or minimising.

2. Can he genuinely talk about the impact of his behaviour? This means recognising how his actions affected you and your children, not just how things affected him. If the focus is still on his intentions, his stress, or how hard things have been for him, then something important is missing.

3. Is there real, observable change in his behaviour over time? Not just promises or apologies, not just a good few weeks, but a consistent pattern that shows he is thinking and acting differently.

Full Accountability – The Vital First Step

“Token admissions of minor behaviours are not enough.” David Mandel, Safe & Together Institute

An abuser who is genuinely owning the harm they have caused will demonstrate the following:

• Have a sense of personal responsibility for their choice to be abusive and comprehension of how others experienced their behaviour.
• Seek to understand the intent and internal drivers behind their harmful behaviours.
• Avoid blame of other people, substances or mental health issues for their actions.
• Own their behaviours towards their partner and children as a parenting choice.
• Understand change as a long, on-going process, not a one-time event.
• Make changes without any expectation of how others should respond.

What Change Looks Like in Daily Life

Below is a list drawn from Lundy Bancroft’s insightful book Why Does He Do That, which outlines key signs of genuine change. You can use it as a guide to help you recognise whether the changes you’re seeing are likely to be real. Ideally, you’re looking for “yes” answers to these questions:

A Different Way of Communicating

Does he treat your opinions with respect, even when they differ strongly from his? Are you able to raise your grievances, new or old, without retaliation from him?

Has he greatly reduced or stopped his use of behaviours of dominance (such as sarcasm, rolling his eyes, loud disgusted sighs, talking over you, using the voice of ultimate authority, and other demonstrations of disrespect or superiority) during conversations and arguments?

Is he accepting your right to express anger to him, especially when it involves his history of mistreating you?

Does he listen to your side in arguments without interrupting, and then make a serious effort to respond thoughtfully to your points, even if he doesn’t like them?

No More Coercive Control

Is he respecting your right to freedom and independence? Does that include stopping all his interference with your friendships and giving up the demand to always know where you are and whom you are with?

When he does slip back into controlling behaviour, does he take you seriously when you complain about it and keep working on improving?

Is he being respectful about sex, applying no pressure and engaging in no guilt trips?

Is he being fair and responsible about money, including allowing you to keep your own assets in your own name?

Has he stopped any behaviours that you find threatening or intimidating? Have you had any major angry arguments with him in which he has shown a new willingness to behave non-abusively?

A Show of Accountability and Self-Awareness

Has he stopped making excuses for his treatment of you, including not using your behaviour as an excuse for his?

Has he stopped talking about his abuse as if it were an accident or just the result of substance use or mental health issues, and begun to acknowledge that he used it to control you?

Is he being consistent and responsible, taking into account how his actions affect you without having to be constantly reminded?

A Demonstration of Respect

Is he behaving in a noticeably less demanding, selfish, and self-centred way?

Has he significantly expanded his contribution to household and child-rearing responsibilities and stopped taking your domestic work for granted or treating you like a servant?

Has he begun supporting your strengths rather than striving to undermine them?

Is he actually responding to your grievances and doing something about them (for example, changing the way he behaves toward your children)?

The Bottom Line

Lasting change is hard-earned, often non-linear, and requires ongoing effort to maintain. It begins with true ownership and accountability, and develops through growing self-awareness and a genuine commitment to doing things differently. Importantly, it’s the person experiencing the behaviour who gets to decide whether things are improving, not the abuser. Real change isn’t just about what he says, it’s about how your life feels.