While not an official diagnosis, Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is becoming a more common term within the psychological sphere. It differs from childhood abuse in that there is no overt trauma, no physical or verbal abuse – nothing you can easily label or pinpoint as obviously harmful. The word neglect means the absence of care, not the presence of trauma, and this is exactly what emotional neglect is all about – the absence of emotional nurturance.
How Emotional Neglect Occurs During Childhood
Children are dependent on their parents for all their needs early on in life – physical such as food and clothing but also emotional, such as safety, comfort and love. Whereas most parents are highly capable at providing appropriate physical care, sometimes there is little understanding or capacity for adequate emotional care, which all children need consistently and unconditionally.
When children’s emotional needs are met consistently and well enough, it lays the foundation for secure attachment which in turn helps children develop a strong sense of self, independence, ability to understand and regulate their emotions, and functional relationship management. But what does it feel when some or all of these core needs have not been met? How can you name the absence of something you never even knew you needed or had? How can you fill an empty cup if you think it is your fault it’s empty?
Core Emotional Needs of Children
Feeling safe and protected/ having stability in life
Feeling comforted, soothed and reassured (physically, verbally and emotionally)
Having developmentally appropriate autonomy
Feeling seen and understood
Having the freedom to safely express emotions
Receive (unconditional) support and encouragement
Feeling the delight/joy of their parents in response to them
Have You Experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect?
To consider this question, firstly you need to understand what children need for healthy development and thriving, rather than simply surviving. Often people can sense they missed out on something but are not sure how to name it. As an adult you may experience an emotional emptiness or numbness, a sense of being fundamentally inadequate, a difficulty understanding and attuning to your feelings, unreasonable guilt for taking care of your needs or chronic caretaking of others – all common legacies of childhood emotional neglect. You may have an inkling that your parents did not provide you with important care due to their physical absence, emotional inability or chronic illness, or you may believe that they were loving and caring yet carry this heavy load throughout your life not understanding what is missing and blaming yourself for the way you feel.
If you would like to understand more about childhood emotional neglect, I highly recommend reading “Running on Empty” by American psychologist Jonice Webb or looking through her website.
Types of emotionally neglectful experiences
- Chronic absence of warmth, support and nurturance for the child.
- Parent consistently ignores child’s bids for attention or shuns them.
- Parent is not physically present for a lot of the time – this may be due to work, hospitalisation, substance or alcohol abuse or prioritising another family.
- Parent is emotionally absent due to severe depression or other chronic mental illness
- Extreme family stress due to domestic violence or lack of social supports interferes with a parent’s emotional availability.
Types of emotionally abusive behaviours
- Parent regularly ridicules or belittles the child
- Parent blames the child for family problems or shares developmentally inappropriate information with them.
- Parent displays an ongoing pattern of negativity or hostility toward the child.
- CParent makes excessive and/or inappropriate demands of the child.
- Child is exposed to extreme or unpredictable parental behaviours due to their mental illness, substance or alcohol abuse, and/or violent/aggressive behaviour.
- Parent uses fear, intimidation, humiliation, or threats to discipline the child or pressures the child to keep secrets.
- Parent demonstrates a pattern of boundary violations, excessive monitoring, or overcontrol that is inappropriate considering the child’s age.
- Child is expected to assume an inappropriate level of responsibility or is placed in a role reversal, such as frequently taking care of younger siblings or attending to the emotional needs of a parent.
- Parent undermines child’s significant relationships.
- Parent prevents the child from engaging in age-appropriate socialisation and activities.