The 3Ds

Emotional abuse is a pattern of non-physical behaviours used to control, intimidate, isolate, or undermine another person. It often includes tactics such as gaslighting, belittling, manipulation, ongoing criticism, humiliation, and controlling behaviours. Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse is often covert and difficult to name, yet it is incredibly damaging. Over time it causes large-scale psychological erosion, including anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue and depletion, low self-esteem, and a distorted sense of self. Emotional abuse undermines a person’s confidence and sense of autonomy, making it difficult for them to trust their judgment and put up a resistance to the abusive tactics.

Emotional abuse is a core part of domestic violence, appearing early through controlling and isolating behaviours. While physical violence occurs in less than half of cases, emotional and psychological abuse is always present. A recent Australian study confirmed these patterns and our latest statistics show that 1 in 4 women have experienced partner emotional abuse.

The most common forms of emotional abuse include threats and degradation, social or financial control. Alarmingly, the 2025 Australian Institute of Family Studies study found that 1 in 3 Australian men (32%) report use of emotional abuse in an intimate relationship.

In my years of working with women subjected to intimate partner violence, emotional and narcissistic abuse, I saw the need for a clear, concise, and comprehensive framework to make sense of the vast array of behaviours present in these relationships. Context and intention are crucial – what may seem like a caring act in a healthy relationship can, in an abusive one, become a tool of control or devaluation. For example, a partner sending a detailed email with research and supplement suggestions for gut health might seem considerate and supportive. But what if these emails occur daily, with consequences for non-compliance or used to criticise and shame? The dynamic shifts entirely. Context and intention matter.

Emotional abuse is not about isolated incidents—it is a pattern. It is a constellation of attitudes and behaviours designed to maintain one person’s power and control over another within a relationship. This pattern involves:

• Systematic devaluation and lack of reciprocity
• Suppression of the other’s autonomy
• Ongoing distortion of reality

Think of emotional abuse as the very structure of the house in which the relationship—and both partners—exist. This house is held up by three pillars that keep the abuse intact and functioning: Disrespect, Disempower, and Distort.

The 3Ds of Emotional Abuse model is grounded in the impact and intention behind emotionally abusive behaviours, rather than focusing solely on the type of behaviour or specific actions employed. This approach moves us away from ticking off abuse behaviour checklists, allowing emotional abuse to be understood as a continuum, rather than a category that either applies or doesn’t.

The 3Ds models is able to capture the more subtle and insidious forms of abuse that may fall below the threshold for coercive control or formal definitions of family violence. By placing intention and impact at the centre, the model recognises the abusive behaviours as tactics which helps the person experiencing the abuse feel validated for the hurt, loss of agency and self-doubt they’ve been made to carry.

This refers to the ongoing devaluation of a partner’s needs, opinions, and dignity. It involves treating them as “less than” and unworthy of the basic respect every person deserves.

• Holding an attitude of entitlement or intellectual superiority
• Verbal explosions, yelling, and name-calling
• Criticism, belittling, snide remarks, and contempt
• Prolonged silent treatments used as punishment
• Chronic dismissal or invalidation of the partner’s needs, feelings, or experiences
• Use of a patronising tone
• Minimising partner’s concerns while placing exaggerated importance on one’s own
• Unequal contributions to household tasks
• Chronic absence or evasion of joint responsibilities
• No provision of support for partner’s physical or medical needs
• Undermining partner’s joy, pride, or accomplishments
• Disdain or disinterest in what matters to the partner

These behaviours and attitudes are most closely associated with coercive control. They involve stifling a partner’s autonomy and independence—removing their choices, limiting their options, and stripping away their sense of agency.

• Making threats, angry outbursts, or using intimidation and fear
• Financial control or misuse of shared finances
• Monitoring the partner’s daily activities
• Micromanaging (often obsessively) the partner’s personal routines
• Making significant joint decisions without the partner’s input
• Preventing the partner from working, studying, or pursuing career goals
• Withholding essential support or resources
• Isolating the partner from family and friends
• Controlling the pace of the relationship (too fast or too slow) on their terms
• Pressuring or coercing the partner into unwanted sexual experiences

While Disrespect and Disempowerment strip a person of their dignity and autonomy, Distortion creates the confusion and self-doubt that ultimately seals the relational trap of emotional abuse. It generates a fog of self-incrimination, guilt, and twisted reality, thus strengthening the chains of shame and silence.  Because of the ongoing distortion, it becomes very difficult for the abused partner to resist or break free of the relationship.

• Blame-shifting and refusal to take accountability
• Using manipulative tactics – gaslighting, lying, inducing guilt etc.
• Positioning themselves as the vulnerable one or the true victim
• Excessive mistrust, jealousy, and baseless accusations
• Disguising control as an act of care
• Crafting a false public persona that conceals the private harm
• Presenting themselves as more informed on every topic
• Overwhelming communication through texts or emails
• Creating strategic reputation damage of their partner
• Acting as the “expert” on what’s best for their partner
• Discrediting or weaponising the partner’s emotional reactions

Emotional abuse exists on a spectrum-from subtle, hard-to-name behaviours to overt and chronic patterns of control. It’s important for keep in mind that the intention behind the behaviour is just as significant as the behaviour itself. At the lower end of the continuum, emotionally harmful behaviours are often driven by selfishness and a sense of entitlement. The goal here is not always explicit control, but rather the preservation of a self-serving status quo. In these cases, control may be used incidentally—a way to maintain comfort, superiority, or avoid accountability.

As the emotional abuse progresses toward the middle and severe end of the spectrum, the intention to control becomes central. The dynamic shifts from entitlement to strategic coercion, and ultimately, to total domination. At this point, control is no longer a means to an end—it becomes the end itself.

Understanding the continuum within the 3Ds framework helps to identify abuse that may fall below formal thresholds (such as coercive control or legal definitions of family violence) and to activate responses consistent as the support we would be offering victims of intimate partner violence.

What makes emotional abuse so damaging is not just the severity of individual incidents, but its cumulative effect over time, regardless at which end of the spectrum it happens. Recognising emotional abuse as a pattern—not a one-off event—is essential to understanding its true impact.