The Common Indicators of Emotional Abuse You Need to Know

Emotional abuse can have a profound impact on a partner and leave deep scars that last a lifetime. While it is often considered less serious than physical abuse, it can be just as damaging to mental health and well-being. Emotional abuse is any behaviour that is intended to control, manipulate, humiliate, intimidate or subjugate a person. The tactics are often subtle and difficult to recognise, making it even more harmful to those who are experiencing it.

In my practice, women come across lists of abusive partner behaviours and they will compare them to what may be occurring in their relationship, trying to determine if they are being emotionally abused. This can become confusing as most partners rarely display all behaviours mentioned, or behaviours may vary significantly. In addition, emotionally abusive acts can be very subtle and will typically deflect blame onto the abused partner.

An alternative way to consider if you are subjected to emotional abuse is to consider your own experiences rather than the behaviour of your partner. How do you feel in this relationship, how do you feel in the presence of your partner, and how do they make you feel about yourself? You should always trust your gut feeling, the way your body responds, and your own emotional experiences as a compass to whether you are in a healthy or unhealthy relationship.

These are some common experiences that most women have when subjected to emotional abuse:

Chronically self-doubting – Due to the undermining nature of emotional abuse, over time you find your confidence eroding and doubt creeping in. When you are attempting to relate to someone that rarely listens, cares or feels for you, as well as regularly questions you, then you begin to question yourself too.

Constantly apologising – Coupled with self-doubt is the constant feeling that you have done something wrong or have let your partner down. It may seem that everything is always your fault or your partner is repeatedly telling you that you have been inconsiderate towards them. And you find yourself saying “I am sorry” all the time, in fact, more than in any other relationship.

Feeling infantilised, patronised and treated like a child – While you may have a complex job and have dealt with many difficult situations in your life, your partner makes you feel as if you can’t be trusted with basic daily tasks or money. In disagreements they resort to calling you too emotional/immature/insecure and will often override your decisions or simply not trust you to make such. Overall, the message you are receiving is that you are not smart and intellectually equal to your partner.

Feeling confused in the relationship – Your partner acts inconsistently, seeming to agree with you one day and then putting you down the next. Sometimes they may display unexpected warmth, only to become moody, grumpy or stop talking to you for days with no apparent reason. As you are trying to make sense of the sudden and unpredictable changes in your partner’s mood, you are left feeling confused and uncertain. And here’s the thing – you can’t make sense, as these mood shifts are not the normal ups and downs of a healthy relationship.

If you wish to understand more deeply the nature of relational emotional abuse, consider attending my workshop on this topic.