Can They Truly Change or Are They Just Showing Short-Lived Remorse?

One of the most common questions women ask me when they recognise their partner is being emotionally abusive towards them is “Can he change?” and “How do I know if what I’m seeing is real change or just temporary?”

It’s an understandable and very important question that does not have a simple answer. When you’re in a relationship where there’s emotional abuse or coercive control, even small moments of kindness or short periods of calm can feel incredibly hopeful. But here’s the reality: real, lasting change is rare and it most likely won’t look like what you had hoped for.

What Real Change Actually Requires

Fundamental change in an abusive partner does not occur spontaneously, quickly, or without significant ongoing work on their part. It requires deep self-awareness, intentional effort and a willingness to give up patterns of control and entitlement as a way to manage the relationship.

And most importantly, as a starting point change requires full accountability for how they have acted and what their choices have inflicted upon you. This means no more blame-shifting, minimising and gaslighting. If someone cannot take full responsibility for their behaviour, real change is not possible, regardless of therapy, promises, or intentions.

I would like to make it clear: an apology is not change, nor are a few weeks of good behaviour a genuine indication that they have given up abuse. In fact, short-term good behaviour is a part of the pattern of abuse and typically represents a short-lived stage of remorse or attempts to stop you from leaving.

Why “Things Getting Better” Can Be Misleading

Research on desistance (the cessation of abusive behaviour) shows that what often looks like “change” is actually something else. Full cessation of all abuse is very rare in ongoing relationships and more often the abuse simply reduces or changes form. What success may look like is a de-escalation in the frequency or severity of some forms of abuse in the relationship, but not cessation. Alternatively, it may be that one type of abuse stops (e.g. physical or sexual violence) BUT other forms (e.g. emotional abuse, coercive control) continue, emerge or even escalate.

You may be the one keeping the peace

Sometimes abuse decreases because the person experiencing it increases their efforts to manage it. This involves women working very hard to avoids triggers for the abuse, putting their partner’s needs first, and actively suppressing their own thoughts and feelings. This can create the appearance of change, but it comes at a cost to your wellbeing, freedom, and sense of self. And importantly, the abuse hasn’t really stopped but just being carefully managed by the victim.

Short-term “good behaviour” is part of the abuse pattern

Periods of remorse, kindness, or calm are very common in abusive relationships. However, they often have a manipulative purpose in providing a false sense of hope that things may be improving and undermining your resolve to leave.

What Real Change Would Look Like

Genuine change is not subtle or short-lived. It involves:

• Consistent, long-term behaviour and attitude changes
• A complete shift in how the abuser uses their power in the relationship
• Ongoing accountability without prompting
• It’s not dependent on you behaving a certain way.
• It doesn’t require you to manage or adapt to maintain their change
• It lasts over months and years, not just days or weeks.

The Bottom Line

It’s natural to want to believe someone can change, especially when you’ve seen glimpses of who they could be. But those glimpses are not the same as real change. Real change is rare, hard-earned, and sustained and most abusers never get there. The work they need to put in is difficult, uncomfortable and requires a lot of commitment, self-awareness and motivation.

So instead of asking “Can he change?”, a more helpful question might be: “What am I actually experiencing and what is it costing me to stay?”.