The Hidden Cost of Relational Betrayal: Why It Happens and What To Do

Betrayal in relationships—whether between parents and children, romantic partners, or close friends—occurs when someone you trust or depend on fails to protect you and instead causes harm. These betrayals can range from minor everyday violations to severe acts such as sexual assault. But the most damaging are often the persistent, relational betrayals that erode your psychological foundation over time.

When we are harmed by someone we trust, our inbuilt protective mechanism is to seek comfort and protection. However, when the source of danger is also the person we would normally turn to, it creates a profound psychological bind. Confronting the betrayal escalates conflict or may sever an important relationship. Fleeing may not be possible, especially for children, due to practical or emotional dependence. This dilemma leaves people stuck—every action has a cost.

In such situations, the mind often adopts a defence mechanism called Betrayal Blindness (BB). BB is an unconscious survival strategy that enables a person to ignore or minimise the betrayal to maintain the relationship. In the short term, it helps keep the connection intact. But over time, it causes confusion, self-doubt, and emotional erosion. This is especially common when the person harmed is disempowered—like a child or someone in an unequal relationship dynamic—where leaving or confronting the abuser isn’t a safe option.

BB is most often not a conscious choice. It emerges from our deep psychological wiring to maintain attachments at all costs. Children, in particular, rely on BB for survival when the parent who should care for them is also harming them. Confronting or withdrawing from the parent risks abandonment or neglect—an existential threat for a child. For them, BB becomes a psychological lifeline. Adults, especially those who experienced betrayal in childhood, may carry this blind spot into future relationships. If they have learned to cope through BB, they may continue tolerating abuse, unable to recognise red flags or trust their instincts. Even when technically empowered and with options, they may feel powerless—gaslit by their partner, confused by their emotions, and unable to make decisions that protect their wellbeing.

Betrayal Blindness becomes even more pronounced in relationships with narcissistic individuals and is instrumental in keeping victims stuck over time. Narcissistic abuse thrives on power and control, and betrayal is inherent in the way these individuals manipulate and dominate. Victims remain entangled, maintaining the status quo while slowly breaking down psychologically. Without awareness, BB makes them highly vulnerable to ongoing mistreatment. Unlike physical or sexual abuse, which often presents as identifiable single events, emotional abuse is cumulative and hidden. It happens over time in the context of a relationship, presenting as patterns rather than incidents. The victim may not even realise what is happening until symptoms like anxiety, hopelessness, self-blame, and confusion begin to dominate their emotional life. This is the slow erosion of the self in service of preserving the relationship.

A key source of harm is the shame and self-blame that supports BB. When victims internalise the dysfunction, they tell themselves the abuse is their fault—maintaining the illusion of safety at the cost of their own wellbeing. The longer BB persists, the more disempowered and psychologically unstable they become.

So, how can someone begin to heal?

Awareness is the first step. Understanding betrayal and BB allows individuals to reflect critically on their relationships. Asking questions like “Is what I’m experiencing truly safe and healthy?” can begin to unmask BB. Healing restores agency, renews decision-making ability, and rebuilds self-trust.

It’s also vital to acknowledge that not all betrayals are equal. A privileged childhood free from betrayal equips individuals with a protective intuition that can be carried into adulthood. Survivors, however, must consciously rebuild that lost sense of self.

Lastly, recognizing manipulative tactics such as DARVO—Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender—is essential. It’s a common abuser strategy that confuses and destabilises victims. Understanding BB isn’t just about seeing the betrayal—it’s about reclaiming power, choosing truth, and learning how to love and respect yourself more than you fear losing the relationship.

To learn more about Betrayal Blindness, listen to Jennifer Freyd speak about it here.