Recognising and Breaking Out of Damaging Relationship Patterns

Often clients come to therapy to deal with relationship difficulties. Even though we cannot engage in relationship counselling with only one individual in the room, there is much to discuss about the nature of relationships, communication patterns and power dynamics. It can be very helpful to understand some common patterns of relating to partners that are strongly determined by our personality, upbringing, personal attachment style, and learned coping strategies.

One particular type of pattern that often develops in relationships is based on Karpman’s Drama Triangle. The triangle represents the relationship dynamic between two people and the roles they take on. The Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim represent different roles that people can play—not the people themselves! While each partner gets to move among all the roles, often one person will fit more comfortably in one role than in another. The reason the triangle is so strong and works so well is because the roles are complementary.

The Rescuer is the person that has the better ability to function and be independent and hence they have more control and capability. Oftentimes the person in the Victim role feels overwhelmed or like they can’t deal with everything that comes their way. That is when the Rescuer steps in and says, “I can help you out. Just do what I say, everything will be fine.” Sometimes couples will begin their relationship in some form of this dynamic. It’s almost like they make a silent pact: The Rescuer says, “I will agree to be strong and nice”; the Victim says, “I will agree to be overwhelmed and unable to manage.” Everyone is happy. The rescuer feels needed, important, and in charge. The victim has someone they can lean on.

Changing Between Roles

And this dynamic can work fine, except once in a while one of two things happens:

1. Sometimes the Rescuer gets tired of doing everything. They feel as if they are shouldering all the responsibilities, and that their partner is not pulling their weight, not giving anything back, or not appreciating what they are doing. The Rescuer gets fed up, angry, resentful and shifts over to the Persecutor role. They suddenly blow up about something minor or act out — e.g go on spending spree or on a drinking binge. At that point the Victim gets scared and moves up to the Rescuer position, trying to calm the waters. Then the Persecutor feels bad about whatever they did or said, goes, moves into the victim position, and feels guilty and depressed. Both partners stabilise the dynamic and go back to their original positions.
2.  At other times the Victim gets tired of being powerless, always looking up and seeing the other person running the show, always telling them what to do. They get fed up and move to the Persecutor role. Like the Rescuer, the Victim in this role blows up and gets angry, usually about something small. The message underneath is “Why don’t you get off my back! Leave me alone, stop controlling my life! I can do things myself!” The Rescuer hears this and moves to the Victim position. The Persecutor then feels bad about whatever they did or said, they make up and go back to where they originally were.

The Issue of Responsibility

The Rescuer and Victim both have a distorted sense of responsibility. The Rescuer tends to be over-responsible: “Your problems are my problems, and when you get upset I actually get anxious. I try to ‘get’ you to feel better partly because I care, but partly to relieve my own anxiety.”

The Victim tends to be under-responsible: “My problems are your problems—I expect you to fix them, and I either have to wait or manipulate you into doing so.” In the attempt to “make” the Rescuer happy, the Victim over time begins to feel pressured and controlled, which sets up the explosion.

Stepping Outside the Triangle

Outside all the drama of the triangle are the Adults. The adult role has:

• An ability to be emotionally calm.
• An ability to observe oneself in a relationship pattern and make changes without expectations of the other.
• An ability to view others as anxious or fearful rather than malicious or manipulative.
• An ability to not react in kind to the anger or anxiety of others.
• An ability to focus more on personal responsibility and behaviour than on the behaviour of the other.
• An ability to make choices and be assertive even if this risks approval or acceptance.

Two people can be snarled in the triangle for a long time— seemingly getting along, suddenly having some acting out or emotional explosion, making up, returning to their roles, and repeating the pattern over and over again. What can happen over time, is that one person is either tired of going around the cycle or begins to outgrow the role they are in. Like any other pattern, it takes two to play the game, and as soon as one person begins to move towards the Adult role, the other tries to pull them back in to keep the status quo.

The Rescuer:

• Needs to learn to recognise their wants and take the risk of not being good and over-responsible.
• Needs to learn how to recognise anger and then use it for information about what they wants.
• Needs to experiment with letting go of control and resist the impulse to fix their own anxiety by taking over when the other is struggling.
• Needs to learn how to let down their guard, so they can learn to trust and be vulnerable and nurturing in a genuine way, rather than out of fear and the need for control.

The Victim:

• Needs to build self-confidence—by taking risks and doing things on their own, by using the rescuer not as a rescuer but as a support.
• Needs to learn how to solve problems by separating them into manageable chunks so they doesn’t feel so overwhelmed.
• Needs to tap into their anger and use it to better define their boundaries and wants.

Reference: Doing Couples Therapy by R. Taibbi