Setting Boundaries In an Abusive Relationship Is Harmful So Do This Instead

Boundaries are a necessary element in any healthy relationship as they allow us to preserve our resources, delineate personal space, and look after our own needs. In healthy relationships, people will be attuned to our personal limits and show respect when we make a request or choose to say no to one they make of us. However, what I hear time and time again from women living with an abusive partner is this: How can I set boundaries with him? It doesn’t seem to work, or I don’t know how.

Here is the reality: You cannot set healthy boundaries in an abusive relationship because the purpose of the abuse is precisely that – to create a regime of oppression that breaks down resistance and makes it impossible to stand up for yourself. It may be helpful to apply The 3Ds Model of emotional abuse to illustrate why setting healthy limits is futile at best, and dangerous and harmful at worst, when dealing with an abuser.

How Abuse Excludes the Possibility of Healthy Boundaries

Disrespect aims to break down a person’s sense of self, worth, dignity, and value. It demonstrates to them on a daily basis that they are unworthy of consideration, their needs are unimportant, and their voice is best silenced. Boundaries, on the other hand, require that they are heard, respected, and taken into consideration.

Disempowerment aims to strip a person of their autonomy and choices, imposing a regime of fear, dependence, and negative consequences. Boundaries, however, are about claiming personal space, freely choosing your preferences, and having the safety to express them without fear of punishment.

Distortion warps reality so that the abuser always claims to be right, shifts responsibility onto their partner, and deflects any attempts to hold them accountable for their behaviour. Boundaries, though, require self-awareness, ownership of your needs and wants, and the belief that you are allowed to express them.

Setting Boundaries With an Abuser Is Harmful to You

• Expressing your needs flips the convenient set-up an abuser has created – that you exist in the relationship to serve them.
• Allowing you to have a voice in the relationship threatens the status quo – you need to be put back in your place as a second-class citizen, not an equal partner.
• Expressing your needs will most likely become distorted into the narrative that you are nagging, needy, or selfish. The courage you found to speak up will most likely be weaponised to silence you with guilt and shame.
• Any time you manage to have something go your way, it will become future ammunition for them. They will refer to it for years to come or use it as another example of how you are trying to control them.
• Allowing you to express your needs and opinions is seen as disrespectful to them and akin to rebellion, so it needs to be squashed in the bud.
• The only time your boundaries may be respected is when it suits them. They may be scared you are going to leave, they may fear being exposed to others, or they may want to avoid negative consequences (e.g. an intervention order).

In summary, any attempts to set boundaries will most likely provoke a negative reaction, which they will turn into conflict, escalating the abuse and worsening the situation for you.

What You Can Still Do

• Recognise the small daily acts of resistance you already engage in, which are also valid ways of self-expression, pushing back against the abuse, and self-affirmation. Examples I have heard include: discreetly ordering books on narcissistic abuse to a personal Kindle; making up a reason to stay longer at work to reduce exposure to abuse at home; keeping a journal of their statements and claims as a way to combat gaslighting; showing an abusive text message to a friend to receive support and validation.

Resistance – the mental or behavioural act through which a person attempts to expose, withstand, repel, prevent, refuse to comply with, or oppose any form of violence or oppression.

• Recognise and employ internal boundaries in your relationship. Internal boundaries refer to what you choose to take on from the words they tell you, how you choose to react in certain situations, and which feelings or thoughts you will entertain and which you will not. Examples I have heard include: refusing to accept labels they have put on you, such as selfish, stupid, or crazy; refusing to cry in their presence; treating communication with them as a necessary performance rather than an authentic expression of your feelings; keeping conversations at a surface level and not revealing vulnerable feelings.

• Work hard to maintain or increase the autonomy you have in the relationship without raising suspicion. Examples I have seen include: attending therapy through a university counselling service so it never appears on a credit card statement; setting small amounts of cash aside from the weekly shopping; connecting with a domestic violence service and beginning to plan your separation with a caseworker; going to your adult daughter’s home to help with a newborn as a way to stay out of the home for longer.

And lastly, but perhaps most importantly: Do not make them the reference point for all your actions, values, and needs. Work hard to preserve your perspective and your own values, rather than evaluating every personal decision or opinion through their eyes: “What would they think, say, or do?“. You can only truly hold on to your sense of self and dignity if you hold on to your inner world and anchor yourself to your own truth.