Growing up in a household with a parent that displays destructive narcissistic patterns is hugely impactful and reverberates through the years as your interactions continue into adulthood. Self-absorbed parents hold attitudes that are designed to preserve their self-image of perfection, entitlement and superiority and as a result, parent-child relationships become reversed. Not only when you were a child, but even as an adult, you are expected to accept ongoing blame and criticism from them and automatically know what they want from you and give it to them unquestioningly. They also expect you to never offend them by disagreeing or expressing alternative opinions and give them unlimited attention regardless of your own needs. If you feel some of the following apply to you, it is likely you have unhealthy parental relationships:

• You dread interactions with a parent and usually find ways to avoid them
• You become easily frustrated, angry or upset almost every time you talk with them
• You keep mulling over interactions with them trying to understand their behaviour and if it was you that did something wrong

Some of the things children of self-absorbed parents experience are:

• Constantly being criticized or hearing demeaning comments about themselves
• Devaluing your work or ideas
• Trying to micromanage or overcontrol you
• Being made responsible for your parent’s physical or emotional well-being
• Blamed for their errors
• Being expected to provide constant attention
• Insisting that everything be done their way
• Becoming very easily offended particularly when you disagree with them or try and set any sort of boundaries
• Ignoring, minimising or discounting your feelings

How do you cope if you have a self-absorbed parent

The most important step in managing interactions in such relationships is to establish healthy boundaries. It is important to first recognise and understand your parent’s behaviour as inappropriate, harmful and not your fault, as well as accept the reality that it is very unlikely they will change.

It rarely helps to appeal to your parent’s empathy or co-operation as a significant aspect of self-absorption is the inability for self-awareness and reflection, as well as constant blame-shifting.

Given this, you are better off limiting interactions with them, keeping conversations surface level, and setting realistic expectations for yourself as to what you may and may not get from this relationship. Rather than trying to change your parent, placate or please them or even argue with them, a better approach is to find a safe relational distance from them that allows you to protect yourself from psychological harm and focus on other, more supportive and giving relationships in your life.