Post-Separation Abuse

The abuse often doesn’t end when the relationship does.

Most people assume that once you leave an abusive partner, the worst is behind you. But for many survivors, the end of the relationship marks the beginning of a new and exhausting chapter — one where the abuse continues, just in different forms.

All too commonly, what are often referred to as ‘high conflict separations’ are, in fact, something very different. These labels can be misleading, because ‘conflict’ implies mutual aggression, as if both parties are equally involved in the hostility.

But that’s not the reality in situations where there was intimate partner violence in the relationship.

What’s actually taking place is post-separation abuse—an ongoing campaign of control and harm, often driven by the abuser’s need to punish or destabilise their former partner. A recent comprehensive study on the topic defined post-separation abuse as “the ongoing, willful pattern of intimidation of a former intimate partner including legal abuse, economic abuse, threats and endangerment to children, isolation and discrediting, and harassment and stalking.”

This is known as post-separation abuse, and it can be just as damaging, if not more so, than the abuse that occurred during the relationship.

Post-separation abuse is the pattern of coercive and abusive behaviours that continue after the relationship has ended. It’s often driven by the abuser’s desire to maintain power, control, and emotional dominance, particularly when legal, parenting, or financial ties remain in place.

It can show up in ways that are hard to document but deeply distressing:

• Excessive or manipulative communication
• Harassment through family, friends, or online platforms
• Smear campaigns and defamation
• Threats of self-harm or guilt-tripping
• Legal abuse through drawn-out custody or property disputes
• Financial withholding or coercion
• Stalking and intimidation — sometimes subtle, but persistent
• Undermining the parent-child relationship
• Using children as weapons and means of continuing the control

Coercive control is the biggest predictive factor for post-separation abuse when children are involved. Co-parenting with an abusive ex can feel like a never-ending battle, leaving a person emotionally drained, retraumatised, and depleted of resources.

Post-separation abuse doesn’t end with physical separation—it often continues through patterns of coercive control. For example, recent research has examined how it can work to undermine the mother–child bond. According to it, perpetrators use stalking, threats, and surveillance to keep their victims in a state of fear, leaving them emotionally depleted and unable to relax or connect. Contact time is commonly weaponised to turn children against a mother, painting her as hysterical, neglectful, or responsible for the family breakdown. This creates confusion, emotional distress, and even hostility in the child, while mothers are left trying to parent under relentless psychological pressure. With no pause from the abuse, mothers and children are denied the space to heal and rebuild trust in their relationship. Over time, this can lead to distance, disconnection, and strained attachment—damaging a bond already harmed by years of living under control.

Even though you have left the relationship, you may still feel:

• Constantly anxious, as if you’re waiting for the next blow
• Emotionally exhausted and confused
• Like you’re parenting under a microscope — always trying to “prove” yourself
• Guilty, isolated, and misunderstood
• Fearful for your safety or your children’s wellbeing
• Frustrated with a legal system that doesn’t understand well coercive control
• You may also doubt your own experiences — especially if others around you believe the abuse ended when the relationship did.

Therapy offers a safe, validating space where you can begin to make sense of your experience, rebuild your sense of control, and plan your next steps with clarity and support.

With counselling, you can:

• Understand and name the patterns of post-separation abuse
• Learn how to emotionally disengage from manipulative tactics
• Develop protective boundaries when co-parenting with an abuser
• Reclaim your sense of safety, stability, and identity
• Heal the emotional injuries of chronic control, fear, and gaslighting
• Access referrals for trauma-informed legal and parenting support

You deserve a space where your story is understood — and where your safety and healing are prioritised.

If you’re navigating the aftermath of an abusive relationship and facing ongoing manipulation, harassment or fear — you’re not alone, and help is available.